If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small
country.
I joined a health club last year, spent
about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
I like long runs,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.
Running can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.
Crazy cat video
March 6th
Check this video out!!
Feb 24th
A financial lesson from a pastor's wife:
Rev. Martin comes across an envelope from the bank and tells his wife "Well, the bank returned the last check you wrote" To which she replied: "Oh,good, what should we buy with it this time?"
Feb 12th
The pastor of a new church told the congregation; I have vgood news and bad news.
The bad news is the church needs a new roof. The good news is, wwe have enough money to fix it.
A cheer rose from the crowd.
Then the pastor said; The bad news is the money is still in your pockets!
Feb 5th
Did you hear the one about the Pshychic midget that escaped
from prison?
He was referred to as "a small medium at large".
January 27th
Dumb Questions
A sign painter asks his customer, a robed prophet of doom;
OK, you want the sign to read: The World Ends Tomorrow....
When do you need this by??
January 19th
At a Sunday School picnic, Mrs Jones placed a sign next to a plate of apples saying:
Take only one apple; God is watching.
At the other end of the table, a 2nd grader placed a sign next to a plate of cookies that read:
Take all the cookies you want, God is watching the apples!
January 5th 2009
Doctor's Advice. I gotta find this doctor!!!
>
>
>
> I?love this Doctor !
>
> Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true? > A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that 'S it... Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car
by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
>
> Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? > A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing mor than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop
can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
>
>
>
> ?
>
> Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
> A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit.? Brandy is distilled wine, that
means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the
goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain.
> Bottoms up!
>
> Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
> A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you
have two bodies your ratio is two to one, etc.
>
> Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
program?
> A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
>
> Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
> A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!
> ... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in
it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
>
> Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
> A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only
be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
>
> Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
> A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best
feel-good food around!
>
> Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
> A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
>
> Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
> A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
>
> Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about
food and diets.
>
> And remember:
>
> 'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving
safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways
- Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up,
totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'
>
> AND......
>
> For those of you who watch what you eat , here's the final word on nutrition
and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting
nutritional studies.
>
> 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.
>
> 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.
>
> 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.
>
> 4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.
>
> 5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and
suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
>
> CONCLUSION
>
> Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
>
>
>
>
>
>
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>
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>
Dec 12th
Here's a question posed to a SS teacher by one of her students
near Christmas:
"is it true that shepherds have dirty socks?"
Teacher: "what do you mean?"
Child:"I heard that the shepherds wash their socks by night."
Nov 26th
Convenience
A little girl was sitting in church with her dad, when she informed him she need to
"frow up".
He told her to run to the ladies room to do it.
When she returned, she told dad she didn't even have to go all the way to the ladies room,
as there was a box in the hall with a big sign that said "for the sick"!
Nov 19th
Mother: "Quick,call the Dr., Johnny just swallowed a quarter!"
Father: "I think we should call our Pastor, he can get money out of anyone!"
Nov12th
A Sunday school teacher asked her young class to raise their hands if they wanted to go to heaven. All but one boy eagerly raised their hands. When the teacher asked why he didn't want to go to heaven, he said " I can't, Ma'am, my mom told me to come straight home after school today"
Nov 5th
Quick quips:
"the wages of sin is death; repent before payday"
"you can give without loving, but you can't love without giving"
Stay tuned for more next week!
Oct 27th
Church Comment
"The average man's idea of a good sermon is one that goes over his head and hits a neighbor"
Oct 15th update
Here's one that suits the times, a quicky;
Sunday School teacher asks class:
"Now, who decreed that all the world should be taxed?"
Little Carla answered aloud:
"The Democrats"
Oct 7th A few fitness jokes
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small
country.
I joined a health club last year, spent
about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
I like long runs,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.
Running can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.
Sep 26th
Here is a short quip that has some truth to it:
A Confession:
The chief trouble with the church is that you and I are in it!
Sep 19th Forrest Gump Goes to Heaven ( Long One)
Forrest Gump had passed away. St Peter was in a booth beside The Pearly gates.
Forrest Gump says well St Peter I see that these gates are locked. . St Peter says yeah well A lot of people have been going to Heaven lately . So now we have a requirement test to get in here.
Oh no says Forrest Gump Life was hard enough as it is . I hope this test is not too Hard!
ST Peter says OK there are 3 Questions. and if you can Answer these 3 you can go into Heaven.. Ok says Forrest Gump.
First Question Asks Peter.....What are The 2 days of The Week that start with The letter T?
2nd Question is How many Seconds are in A year?
And The 3rd Question is What is God's first Name?
Now says St Peter. to be fair about this I will give you a day to think about these Questions and Answers. Then you come back tomorrow.
Forrest Gump comes back The next day to ST. Peter. Well Asks ST Peter have you thought about The Questions and Answers. Yes Says Forrest Gump.
Ok now Peter says Question number 1 is What are the 2 days of The week that start with The letter T?
Forrest Gump says, Well I had thought about this one for a while.
And the Obvious Answer to me is......Today and Tomorrow.
Well um um Well um says St Peter . I guess I should have been more specific about This Question. but i will give you credit for your answer.j Now Question number 2 is How many Seconds are there in A Year?
Well says Forrest Gump I had though about this question hard. it took me a while to figure this out. but I came up with The Answer.
Ok says Peter what is your Answer.
Forest Gump says The Answer is 12!.
ST Peter says uh uh 12? 12? Well how did you come up with this answer..
Forrest Gump says Well i figured that in each month there is a first day of the Month. and then there is a second day. with 12 months that would be 12 Seconds in A year!.
St Peter say Well I Well i um i should have made my question better. that was not exactly what I was asking. but i will give you credit for that Question.
Now Asks St. Peter The 3rd Question is....What is GOD'S first Name.
Weill Says Forest Gump That was the easiest Question of all to Answer.
Well go on ahead says Peter. What is it?
Forrest Gump says GOD'S firs name is ANDY!
St Peter says un un un Andy? Andy? Well I don't understand Forest. Of all the names in The World how did you come up with Andy?
Come on St Peter says Forrest Gump. You know that Gospel Song... Andy Walks with me. Andy talks with me. Andy Sings with me.
Well Well Well says ST Peter umm the correct Translation is they are saying "And He" but I will give you credit for that.
So Forest Gump gets to go to Heaven 
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September 4th ( Sorry I missed a week!) Subject: Newspaper Reporting]
>> A visitor to the zoo sees a little girl leaning into a lion cage.
>> Suddenly the lion grabs her and tries to pull her inside under the eyes
>> of her screaming parents. The man runs to the cage and hits the lion
>> square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the
>> lion lets go of the girl, and the rescuer brings her to her terrified
>> parents, who thank him tearfully.
>> A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event. The newspaperman
>> says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw in my whole
>> life.' The man replies, 'Why, it was nothing really, I just saw this
>> little kid in danger and acted as I thought right.'
>> The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a
>> journalist from the New York Times and tomorrow's paper will have this
>> story on the front page ... just tell me, what do you do for a living >> and
>> what political affiliation do you have?''
>> 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.'
>> The following morning, on the front page of The N. Y. Times reads:
>> "U.S. SOLDIER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH "
August 19th A little Political Humor Barack Obama was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted. The first kid said, 'I want to go to Disneyland ' Barack said, 'No problem, I'll take you there on my special Senator's airplane.' The second kid said, 'I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan 's shoes.' Barack said, 'I'll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them!' The third kid said, ' I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!'
Barack was a little perplexed by this and said, 'But you don't look like you're handicapped. '
The kid said, 'I will be after my dad finds out I saved you from drowning!' |
August 15th Bonus Joke, since I missed a week
I knowChristians are not supposed to make fun of other people's mishaps, but This is funny
Sorry, Lord
Go here
August 14th
Did you hear about the atheist walking through the woods, talking about all the wonders that evolution had created? Suddenly, a grizzly appeared and started to quickly approach. Startled, the man cried out: Oh God!!
A voice came from heaven, saying... Now you want to ask me for help??
The atheist replied that it might be too much to ask to consider him as a Christian now, but asked if God could make the bear a Christian.
God said, sure thing!
With that, the bear crouched down, put it's paws together, and started praying: Dear Lord, thank you for the meal I am about to recieve....
July 31st Cartoon of the week
July 22 Cartoon of the week
July 10th Cartoon: